There are times when I think this world is as gaga as the judges who prefer criminals to paint church halls rather than sending them to jail. I’ve reached this conclusion because I’ve known a few crooks, but never met one who preferred prison to community service group painting activities.
A further reason for disillusionment is the sad fact that I have to write a chapter on sheds and garden security. Sheds, for goodness sake! The universal joke hideaway for every Dad where he could smoke, break wind and watch Mrs Hotchkiss hanging out her smalls. He could smuggle his mates around for a sly bevvy, either in his own garden or on the allotment because the shed has its own universe, full of assorted rubbish like broken mowers, paraffin, garden tools and spiders. The only threat came from the weather, kids breaking the windows and Mr Hotchkiss. Not any more!
Shed security
The old sheds were usually ramshackle affairs, teetering on falling over and with buckets placed under the leaking roof, but with the advent of the very posh, easy to erect wooden or plastic structures sheds take on a more glamorous aspect. Thieves who wouldn’t normally go near a carton of slug pellets now began to think ‘if he’s spent anything from £400 upwards on that, and £2.38 on a padlock with a loose hasp, it must be worth a quick inspection!’ They were spot on.
Today’s sheds in general are more caviar than fish and chips, and often fitted for summer and winter use. They are stuffed with valuable items for the burglar either to steal and sell, or to employ for forced entry into the owner’s home, which is a convenient 50 yards distant!
Beat the burglar
The easiest way to prevent a prowler from seeing the goods is so simple it will make your toes curl. How do I stop an intruder taking stock through the windows? Fit blinds! They keep the shed cool and admit light in summer, and when the electric or fluorescent (there’s posh for you) light is on at half past three in the afternoon in winter make it difficult for a thief or the lady wife to see what you are up to! When a burglar assesses a shed the first items he looks at are doors and windows and if he sees fitted blinds he will hesitate.
He’s off to a bad start and if the door security reminds him of a scene from ‘The Birdman of Alcatraz’ you will have a thief who appreciates that he is up against someone who really cares, although he will not actually use those words to describe you.
Hideaway syndrome
On the other hand, if you let him in through negligence the shed, which is more often than not away from the house, allows him to work in splendid isolation and at his own pace. It really is amazing to discover what people keep in sheds and other permanent and semi-permanent garden structures. I wouldn’t mind betting that a few thieves have been equally surprised and delighted.
I put this down to ‘hideaway syndrome’, a reaction in the brain of a man which causes him to see sheds and gardens as havens of peace in a busy world. HS is principally an affliction of men, because while women take on the burden of life just as much or even more than men, their outside efforts seem to be centred more on making the garden look beautiful from a kneeling position.
Men of all ages have the complaint, and the symptoms of advanced tranquillity are sighs of relief and extreme carelessness. That is why the shed we are looking at has no blinds and the door is secured, if I can use the expression, by a padlock which looks closed but isn’t because the key was lost in the pond last summer. The two little revolving clamps are doing a great job of holding the door closed, but are absolutely useless against anything more determined than a moth.